Ah Mah: 11 days before the departure

7 July 2011:

I visited Ah Mah 2 days ago. Her condition seemed to have improved as she was cognizant and able to respond with mono-syllabic answers. I delved into the mechanics of salvation again and Ah Mah gave mono-syllabic acknowledgement. This time, i told her that everyone loved her dearly. Told myself i should just release her into God's hand and let the Holy Spirit take over. Went there again after work but she was sleeping so i didn't wake her. The next day, drs reported that she is doing well and as such, the UV drip and urine catheter were removed, leaving the feeding tube still intact. Mum bought a huge cake for the drs and nurses of the geriatric ward for the care rendered. So everyone is happy.

Then came the results of the brain scan that placed us all back to where we were before her alleged recovery. They found a tumour measuring 1.5cm in her brain. This had caused the stroke. Dr made personal calls to my dad to make that solemn declaration: the time is near and even went as far as asking where the rest of the family was. Recommendation of a "hospic", i.e. a Comforter, further substantiated that diagnosis. The Comforter is someone who makes house visits after the patient has been discharged to provide emotional support to the patient as well as assisting with insertion of feeding tube, catheter etc. So there we have it, the culprit that caused the admission in the first place. A brain surgery would may accelerate the exit more than it is meant to ease recovery so this has been ruled out. This also means that Ah Mah will be at ther mercy of the timebomb in her head.

Dad and i talked about the possible trigger event that will eventually end her life. Went into the mechanics of the human anatomy of the heart, brain, muscles and shortlisted it to 3 possibilities: if the tumour erupts, the resulting haemorrage will then affect all function of the body. We are not sure if there will be pain but i would imagine that there may be. Another possibility is that the heart muscle will constrict to the extent that it ceases such constriction that results in the heart stop beating. It is the latter possibility that i am hoping will not materialise because this may cause her to struggle for a few moments before the exit. I guess certain occurrence are inevitable so our prayer is that the "trigger" will be shortlived and painless.

I realised that it is easier to deal with a loss once one has been prepared for it. We have talked openly about the funeral logistics in a very detailed manner, something that was never done before in my family on family-related matters. We discussed the location of the collambarium, the pricing, the agenda for the day, the travelling of the body from the hospital to the mortician, even the mode of preservation of the body, the burning cubicle, the funeral parlour, the enlargement of her photo, the selection of her favourite attire, right down to scattering her ashes in the sea. This discussion made me teary-eyed and i realised then that the real thing is really quite different nomatter how much mental readiness i am gradually preparing myself for this past few days.

My only prayer now, apart from the salvation, is that the exit, when it eventually comes, will be painless and easy. That she will not be made to gasp for air for too long or encounter traumatic pain of any sort. Exiting while sleeping would be the best. I will pray for this fervently.