19 Days After Ah Mah's Departure

Ah Mah is still greatly missed. Memories of her still find their places in my mind everyday especially during the journey to and from work or before winding down for the night. It is inappropriate for someone who has lived up to a ripe old age of 85 to be forgotten in just 2.5 weeks. Surely there has to be more to reminisce about. Things in the household has resumed to how it was before. Things did not really change. The only person who were greatly affected is me. I am still not over her.

Out of all Ah Mah's children, only 2 were in the country during her passing and none were at her bedside except for me and the maid. This fact took a long time for me to digest. I cannot fathom why nor how a woman who has sacrificed so much for her children and one who has a reputation of stirring instant fancy towards herself unconsciously, who is a mother, sister, grandmother, great-grandmother, counsellor, comforter to many, tower of strength to not 1 but 5 children and many grandchildren, could be left to depart in such aloneness. If i had not stayed over, she would have passed on alone in the presence of her carer, the maid. Is this all that could possibly have happened? Silently exiting from the world when so much effort and love and sacrifice have been extended in one's lifetime?Just like that??

After this episode, i had to consciously will myself to believe and accept that despite all that has been or will be done, this may be the sad fact that one has to face. At this moment in time, i cannot imagine me breathing my last on my deathbed without my children beside me. But this thought has to change. Or i will depart in a state of utter disbelief and pain. I could already hear myself saying this at that time: "hello? where is everyone? i am on my way to see the Lord which means all of you will not be seeing me forever for as long as you live. Isn't this fact stark or heart-wrenching enough to make all of you jump straight up from whatever you are doing and wherever you may be to fly straight back to place your faces before me for the very last time??? Doesn't it grief you to know that i may be gasping for breath or writh in intense pain before i breath my last? Don't you deem it important to ensure that i do not walk alone in that dark tunnel before meeting my Saviour at the other end? Wouldn't it have been sweet to assure me to continue walking to the end and that my Saviour's presence at the end is certain? Don't you want to give me a good long bear hug or wet my face with kisses? Don't i deserve that after all those affection i have showered on you? Isn't it appropriate to wave me a final goodbye after all that i have done for you? Aren't you going to miss me? your mummy? one whom you adored so intensely when you were little?

That was my thought for the past 2 weeks. I have since come to accept it as such. Not doing this means i have underestimated the intensity of life's toils. It engulfs with an intensity and urgency that warrant continous movement and focus if life itself is to be sustained. Realities are far stronger contenders for distant memories of love, care and tenderness. Doesn't go well with the melancholic me. My type of personality profiling takes a longer time to get over a grief. Even the main gate reminds me of how Ah Mah was carried away by the 4 caretakers in a van in that silver platform. The black sofa, her bed and her cup still ignite that sense of loss everytime i caught sight of them when i go home to pick Chris up everyday.

I must bring myself to accept the fact that one's final exit will ultimately be between them and the Creator. It may be before the presence of a few nurses. Or my caretaker. Or if i am blessed, one out of three children. Or ultimately, just by myself. Maybe by then, i would have had a change of mind and much preferred to go alone with just the promise of salvation and the certainty of seeing my Saviour at the end of the tunnel.