Today marks exactly one year since you left. The past year signifies a year of getting used to the empty duck-green sofa. It used to be the place where you perched comfortably with an open arm approach waiting for us to come to you. You have no idea how much it means to us by just sitting there not needing to do anything. You are just one of those few people whose presence alone is good enough. That sofa is now devoid of that mattress, the small bag containing your vanity stuffs, extra pair of socks, the infamous wooden back scratcher and the spit bowl.
Then there is your room.... still permeating with your smell. Or was that imaginary? The little bolster still lies at the side of the bed, the location of your clothes, diapers and walking stick have not changed. I still peer over this room each time I make a trip home.
Chinese New Year came and went. The bustling activities which were present year after year before your departure slowed down substantially. There were the usual reunion lunch with the relatives and the card game but in all these, it lacked that “grandma” flavour in all of them. When you were here, we saved a special “space/place” to enable the best view of all of your loved ones. We were overjoyed in scooping dishes onto your bowl. Infact, all of us were consciously alert as and when the dishes were running out and continuously filled your bowl with dishes. Toilet calls were initiated without requests. Your general well-being was graciously laced with repetition of anecdotes shared amongst your loved ones. We took it upon ourselves to fill you up with our lives’ stories and witnessed your concern filtering through them.
There were a lot of instances this year where I so wanted to seek your advice but I am left to just “wonder” what you would have said or done had you been in the same situation. There were so many questions which I had wanted to ask so that I can “see” what potential crossroads may greet me as I proceed in the different junctures in life. Your words, comforting as they always were, would have softened the edges to a great extent and I would have found that refuge which I have been searching for, in them. I guess I would now have to find out in my own sweet time and way.
Had you hung around, you would also have witnessed Lovelies’ growth spurts. And they would have made you beamed with pride and joy. I can imagine all of them rushing to give you huge bear hugs and calling you “Chou Mah” in their respective childlike vigours. Their proverbial inclination would have inflated you with unspeakable contentment. To know that they all have been blessed with great neurons, most of which probably stemmed from your DNA.
The other event which you would have most enjoyed would be Calvin’s and Lily’s wedding. Being your favourite grandchild, you would have needed a whole box of Kleenex throughout the night. The permanent screen display dedicating the event as a tribute to you spoke of the extent of his devotion. I thought that was such a right thing to do. The growing up montage showcasing the little fat toddler wrestling with the black dachshund, the street-smart teeny bopper pouting a ciggie and sampling life in the fast lane, all the way to the gait gentleman that he is now. In all stages of his colourful life, one thing remained and never changed: his love for you. I recalled the time when you had a bad fall from a flight of stairs and was sent to the hospital with your face all bruised with blood. He sashayed into the ward carrying a “love-shaped” pink and red pillow. He was smiling as he waddled in animatedly but upon seeing the bandage and the blood and the black eyes, he broke down immediately. His sadness was not only evident but heartfelt. I felt the same. The both of us shared the same brand of devotion towards you. I just happened to be better at hiding them.
And so, here’s to tell you, in all of our heartfelt stature throughout the past year, that YOU ARE STILL REMEMBERED AND DEEPLY LOVED. We will never stop loving you. I will continue in this quest of filling you up with our life stories every year on your anniversary.
WE LOVE YOU AH MAH, FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS AND SOULS. BET YOU’RE HAVING ONE HELLUVA TIME UP THERE.
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